So many days and memories, and yet I feel cheated. I feel like I should have had more time, like she deserved better, not being so sick and having health issues pretty much all through her life. It makes me sad, all the things she went through, I hope that we gave her happiness and joy to combat all the times she didn't feel well. I pray that she was happy as much as possible. I know she made me happy.
I miss her. So much so that I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time. It's weird waking up and seeing the clock say 7:30 and I'm not getting her food ready and giving her her insulin needle. It's weird to be somewhere else at 4:30 when I used to feed her again and give her all of her
medicines. Now I'm roaming like a gypsy, killing time when I'm not at work, trying to not think too much and burst into tears.
1 month - and I guess it's getting better- I don't know. I was able to write this and not sob- so I guess my heart has healed a little. Soon it will be two months later, then 6 and then a year. Will I feel like myself again finally? I don't know...I'm doing what I can to move forward. Now I'm focused on finding full-time work, traveling and keeping busy with friends. Whatever I can do to be distracted. The goal is to find myself and what makes me happy again.
This month has been hard, it has also been life changing. It has made me realize what I'm made of, and shown me how to draw strength to cope. I know one thing for sure, I see my life changing more and more in the future. I think that's a way for me to move on. A new job, a new place to live, a new everything. Thank God I have a husband who adapts easily because I see a lot of changes in the near future for us. A whole new life. Because this life- just isn't the same anymore.
And I don't think it's supposed to be.