Saturday, February 6, 2016

{1 Month}


It's been 1 month since we had to let Coconut go.  The longest month of my life and yet I can't believe that it happened still.  Now her little ashes sit by my bedside.  It makes me sad to see that little box, but I also feel like I still have her in a way. I keep thinking I'm going to see her at the door when I come home or on the bed laid out like a little fuzzy rug when I wake up.  There are so many spots in the house that were hers, she really made this house hers, even though it was only a little more than 6 months here.  I think that's why I hate being home so much, I feel like she really liked it here and she should have enjoyed it more.  Even better would have been if she could see and was healthy.  She would have ran around this house at top speed like she used to do when she was healthy. 

So many days and memories, and yet I feel cheated.  I feel like I should have had more time, like she deserved better, not being so sick and having health issues pretty much all through her life.  It makes me sad, all the things she went through, I hope that we gave her happiness and joy to combat all the times she didn't feel well.  I pray that she was happy as much as possible.  I know she made me happy.
I miss her.  So much so that I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.  It's weird waking up and seeing the clock say 7:30 and I'm not getting her food ready and giving her her insulin needle.  It's weird to be somewhere else at 4:30 when I used to feed her again and give her all of her 
medicines.  Now I'm roaming like a gypsy, killing time when I'm not at work, trying to not think too much and burst into tears.  

1 month - and I guess it's getting better- I don't know.  I was able to write this and not sob- so I guess my heart has healed a little.  Soon it will be two months later, then 6 and then a year.  Will I feel like myself again finally?  I don't know...I'm doing what I can to move forward.  Now I'm focused on finding full-time work, traveling and keeping busy with friends. Whatever I can do to be distracted.  The goal is to find myself and what makes me happy again.  

This month has been hard, it has also been life changing. It has made me realize what I'm made of, and shown me how to draw strength to cope.  I know one thing for sure, I see my life changing more and more in the future.  I think that's a way for me to move on.  A new job, a new place to live, a new everything.  Thank God I have a husband who adapts easily because I see a lot of changes in the near future for us.  A whole new life.  Because this life- just isn't the same anymore.  
And I don't think it's supposed to be.