Monday, January 25, 2016

After this...


No words ring more true for me than these right now.  I'm trying to adapt to my new life without Coconut.  I no longer have to rush out of bed to make sure she eats and gets her insulin needle, her prednisone and eye drops for her cataracts.  No more treats for being a good girl and just for being so cute - cereal like Cheerios and Puffins were at the top of her list.  Till this day I won't walk past the cereal aisle for fear of a breakdown.  After breakfast if I wasn't working we would sit at my computer while I did school work or blogged, something I haven't done since she died.  I can't sit there without her on my lap, so I work from my mother's house, my iPad or phone, Barnes and Noble is my new favorite hangout for this reason.  I'm also heavily into reading to distract myself, diving into a good book is a great way to zone out.  I really miss my old life, being home and enjoying it with Coconut.  I miss snuggling with her on the couch watching TV, I think that was our favorite pastime out of all.  I refuse to watch Golden Girls and HGTV, shows that I
kept on while we were home together.  It's too painful.  These things may sound crazy to someone who isn't a dog lover or someone who has kids that they have to take care of.  I think people would not believe how drastically this little 10 pound dog has changed my life.  My everyday life is especially hardest to get through, not seeing her in her favorite spots and the area where her food and water bowls were, that food bowl, that towards the height of her illness became her enemy.  I still remember how scared I would get when she started to eat less and how frustrated I was when she would want just treats and junk food.  I didn't understand how bad she felt because she still acted so happy for the
most part.  But after she died, when we cleaned out the pantry of all her food,
Medicine and treats, it struck us just how much she needed to function throughout the day, and even with all that, she was grateful for love and belly rubs.  I wish I could hug her, tell her I love her one more time  and that she was such a good girl- always.  Before she was sick and after too.  She held on for so long for us, she didn't want to let us down until she just couldn't fight anymore.  I miss her little feisty attitude, the way she would bark at other dogs and cartoon characters 
on TV before she went blind from diabetes that she got from prednisone.  
She dealt with so much, I don't know how she did it.  I learned so much from her because of that.  
She was so funny, and such a love, she made us so happy and if she only knew how her being gone has made life so difficult for us, she would probably want to snuggle and give us a little lick to let us know it's ok, that she was ok with letting go and that we should be too.  My husband has accepted her death and that she was ready, I think I am finally too, it's just getting through life now without her that I have to get used to.  I haven't sat on our couch yet, I don't go into that room, where we spent most of our days.  It doesn't feel right without her, I drink my coffee upstairs where for some reason I deal with her absence slightly better.  I wake up everyday wondering how I am going to make it through without her, but somehow I do.  God has been kind, he has given me strength and supportive family and friends. 
This is my life now, this is life after her and as much as I want my life from before, I can't have it. 
So life- my life, has to go on. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

In Memory of Coconut- the little love of my life

Today, on January 6, 2016 I lost my best friend, my love, my little companion.  After two years of fighting auto immune disease and then lymphoma, Coconut's little body just couldn't take it anymore.  It was the hardest decision to make, but she was not going to get better, she wasn't even the same Coconut this past week, really, in the past few weeks she started changing, sleeping more, eating less.  I thought it was the cancer but apparently the cancer had triggered a whole bunch of other problems that we did not know.  And the little honey just couldn't take it, she was defeated after a good hard fight and it was time to let her rest in peace.  My life will never be the same, I don't have kids and so I gave her all my love and all of my attention.  Maybe it wasn't healthy for me to do so, but I wouldn't change anything.  She knew how much I loved her, and fought to the bitter end to stay with me.  She was feisty, tough and so smart.  Her personality is what made us fall in love with her and take her home.  As she grew up, my husband and I bonded with her like we would a daughter- and she knew it.  She knew we were mommy and daddy and that she was our baby.  And I am so glad that we gave her that.
I only wish I had more time to love her.  I kept her favorite toys and her first hello kitty blankie that still has her little smell.  I loved the way she smelled, not just after a bath but when her doggie smell came out.  I can still smell that smell if I think about kissing her little head.  I tried to breathe that in as much as I could, especially over the last two years.  I was afraid of this day, when I would not be able to hold her and smell her little smell again.  It hurts my heart, I have to keep reminding myself that it was the right thing to do for her.  Her comfort and quality of life is more important than my pain.  Isn't that what all mommies feel?