Monday, January 25, 2016

After this...


No words ring more true for me than these right now.  I'm trying to adapt to my new life without Coconut.  I no longer have to rush out of bed to make sure she eats and gets her insulin needle, her prednisone and eye drops for her cataracts.  No more treats for being a good girl and just for being so cute - cereal like Cheerios and Puffins were at the top of her list.  Till this day I won't walk past the cereal aisle for fear of a breakdown.  After breakfast if I wasn't working we would sit at my computer while I did school work or blogged, something I haven't done since she died.  I can't sit there without her on my lap, so I work from my mother's house, my iPad or phone, Barnes and Noble is my new favorite hangout for this reason.  I'm also heavily into reading to distract myself, diving into a good book is a great way to zone out.  I really miss my old life, being home and enjoying it with Coconut.  I miss snuggling with her on the couch watching TV, I think that was our favorite pastime out of all.  I refuse to watch Golden Girls and HGTV, shows that I
kept on while we were home together.  It's too painful.  These things may sound crazy to someone who isn't a dog lover or someone who has kids that they have to take care of.  I think people would not believe how drastically this little 10 pound dog has changed my life.  My everyday life is especially hardest to get through, not seeing her in her favorite spots and the area where her food and water bowls were, that food bowl, that towards the height of her illness became her enemy.  I still remember how scared I would get when she started to eat less and how frustrated I was when she would want just treats and junk food.  I didn't understand how bad she felt because she still acted so happy for the
most part.  But after she died, when we cleaned out the pantry of all her food,
Medicine and treats, it struck us just how much she needed to function throughout the day, and even with all that, she was grateful for love and belly rubs.  I wish I could hug her, tell her I love her one more time  and that she was such a good girl- always.  Before she was sick and after too.  She held on for so long for us, she didn't want to let us down until she just couldn't fight anymore.  I miss her little feisty attitude, the way she would bark at other dogs and cartoon characters 
on TV before she went blind from diabetes that she got from prednisone.  
She dealt with so much, I don't know how she did it.  I learned so much from her because of that.  
She was so funny, and such a love, she made us so happy and if she only knew how her being gone has made life so difficult for us, she would probably want to snuggle and give us a little lick to let us know it's ok, that she was ok with letting go and that we should be too.  My husband has accepted her death and that she was ready, I think I am finally too, it's just getting through life now without her that I have to get used to.  I haven't sat on our couch yet, I don't go into that room, where we spent most of our days.  It doesn't feel right without her, I drink my coffee upstairs where for some reason I deal with her absence slightly better.  I wake up everyday wondering how I am going to make it through without her, but somehow I do.  God has been kind, he has given me strength and supportive family and friends. 
This is my life now, this is life after her and as much as I want my life from before, I can't have it. 
So life- my life, has to go on. 

2 comments:

  1. Time will heal. But for now miss her like crazy. She's worth that sorrow, xxoo

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    1. Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. ❤️

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